I hate crying. I didn't always, it's something that's happened over the last few years. I remember vividly the transition from sadness to anger when my parents split up; I think it was around that time that I realized how much easier it was to get mad rather than to be sad. Since then, I've created a cocoon, a soft layer of protection that doesn't require any energy on my part in order to be sustained. It just is. If softens the blow when someone disappoints me or when things don't go quite the way I expected them to. The numbness, the lack of feeling, is what's left over when you refuse to be hurt anymore. The trade-off, of course, is that the numbness is impermeable to all feelings... including happiness and joy. So while I'm safe from the hurt, I'm missing out on the possibility of something good. And I know all of this. I'm very aware of the fact that while I'm gaining one thing, I'm losing another. I haven't yet decided if I'm better off with my bubble of protection, or if it's time to remove a layer and force myself to feel SOMETHING. Even if it hurts. Even if it's terrible.

Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

My eyes are hazel, but sometimes, when I'm angry or tired or sad, they're green. I hate brushing my teeth. I rarely move from one side of the bed to the other while I sleep. My life is exhausting. The shelf in my closet is buckling, not from the weight of my clothes, but from twelve enormous stacks of books. My shoe size is a 7.5, but my big toe makes up most of that. I don't like other people's feet. I love my name. I'm a taurus and I fit it's description perfectly. I can't cook anything more complicated than toast, and I live in real fear that I won't be able to find a man who can stand me for more than 20 minutes. I want kids some days, and others, I'm perfectly content to be the "aunt". I only talk to my mother once every two weeks or so, and it's usually to talk about money. I want to write but can't seem to find my inspiration; I love money. A good meal is truly the way to my heart. I hate that I smoke. I want to run a marathon. Ireland is the only place I've ever wanted to travel that I haven't been to. I miss being in love. I color code my planner because my life is so hectic. My family is my life line. My favorite color is purple, with turquoise coming in at a close second. I want to have a wedding without actually getting married. I believe in forgiveness, even if only in theory. I rarely wear shoes that are flat; I'm 5'3'' on a good day. I want to reinvent myself and forget the person I've somehow become. Not all of her, just the parts I don't like. I want to be different. I want a Great Dane named King. I want a room all to myself, a place where I can go and unwind, where the stress of life can't find me. I believe that I won't be able to write until I find the perfect desk. I'm 1/16th Abenaki Indian. I cry at commercials about animals; I have no sympathy for humans. I want another tattoo. I want to finish college. My biggest fear is my father dying. It gives me anxiety attacks. I don't know how I will ever live without him. I sometimes think that a broken heart really can kill you; other times, I think you can't ever be strong without sadness. I'm a giant contradiction. I don't often have control of my emotions, but I'm always honest. I think that the truth can be lied about and still be true. I don't often apologize and mean it. I forget names but remember faces forever. I make mistakes. I take myself too seriously sometimes, but the sun can always make me happy. I love to laugh.

"Illusion is the first of all pleasures." It's so easy and yet so true. Humans, on the whole, live their entire lives in search of a pleasure that lasts. And isn't it funny that illusion, oftentimes, is the only way to reach that goal? I've been there myself; I probably do it more than I care to recognize. I work three jobs just to make ends meet, in the belief that someday there will be something better. Doing things I thought I'd never do for the sake of love? Or, in my case, "love". Putting one foot in front of the other ever day, because there is nothing else except this. Work, eat, sleep, repeat. But without my illusions, I'd be miserable. I'd never have anything to look forward to, anything pushing me on, encouraging me not to give up and give in. I need them, they sustain me, and they sustain you, too. But behind all that are the little truths. The ones that make each and every one of us unique and special. I know who I am. I'm not in danger of losing myself. And that's enough for me. It'd be selfish to ask for anything more.