It's been six weeks since my last post. How shameful. The project sort of fell by the wayside, but I'm still keeping up with my goals. I'm smoking a lot less, eating better, and, up until two days ago, was running regularly. It was stressing my knee out though, and I had a bit of a scare with it on Monday, so I've let it rest for the last 48 hours. Today, it feels mostly back to normal, so I'm going to try a *gentle* run later on, and see how I fare. That's all I'm really going to write about my well-being. That's not why I've come back.

So much happened over the last month or so, and I didn't want to come here and write about it. There was just so much that didn't belong anywhere but inside, and I think I did well, for the first time EVER, with managing my emotions. I've had time to run through everything and process it all, and while I'm not sure I'll ever truly recover from Ben, I'm as close as I'm ever going to get. She wrote in a post not too long ago about how much you've jaded us. Well, of course you did. That's not love, dear. I'm not sure it ever was. I want to believe that before all of the bad, we had good, real things. And I'll admit that sometimes a memory of us is so vivid that I actually have to stop and catch my breath; it physically hurts. I hate that even after everything, you still have a very poignant effect on me. But I'm done with that now, done with us. I know there's very little chance you'll ever read this, and that's okay. I have to say it anyway.

You broke me. You're the reason I can't trust anyone to love me, the reason I make up excuse after excuse why I don't want to meet someone new. I should be above it; I should know well-enough that I have control over the situation and just talk myself out of it. But I can't. It's bigger than me, bigger than we ever were, and I actually think I'll be alone from this point on. You're poisonous, you stole everything I had to give, and threw it away. I'm not mad, anymore. I'm too tired to be anything. So. This horrible thing between us is over. They say there's a fine line between love and hate. You and I know that all too well.