Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Leap Year
Normally at this time of year, I become slightly depressed. I go into a bit of a cocoon stage, pull the covers over my head, and don't come out until after the last chorus of Auld Lang Syne is over. And maybe I'm getting a bit ahead of myself in thinking that that still won't happen. But I'm sitting here, reflective, of course, and I've had a bit of an epiphany.
I'll admit it. I still check your Facebook picture. And hers, for that matter. It's a strange compulsion. I'm not sure why I do it or what I'm expecting every time I look. I just know that there are moments when I need to do it. And after, I feel better. This happened to me last night, and to my surprise, yours had changed. It hadn't in awhile and so it did catch me off guard a bit. You and her are in front of some Christmas tree; it's big and you're outside, so I can only assume it's in some sort of square. She looks stunning and you look... different. I don't know how else to describe it. Older, maybe, or worn out. You're smiling but there's no real life behind it. I know the face. You're posing, already thinking about who will see this picture and if it will depict you in the way you want to be seen. Classic Ben. And it made me so sad. Because I realized that you're not really happy either. And I'm not sure it has anything to do with her. If it does, that doesn't mean it's her fault. It's just who you are. You always wanted something different, ever-changing, and once you got it, you realized it wasn't that great after all. You so desperately wanted this thrilling, city life with money and fame and women. And you got it... sort of. Though I'm sure it's not at all how you thought it was going to be.
But anyway. My epiphany. What I realized was this: I'm the lucky one in our situation. I've been thinking this whole time that I'm the victim. That you left me alone and scared and certainly not at all prepared to function on my own. But that's all wrong. You did this for me. Now, don't get me wrong. I have no illusions about how this all played out. You certainly did this with very, very selfish intentions. I'm just talking about the way things worked out in the end. I've always believed in karma, and putting out all the good that you can. The bad people will get theirs eventually. And this is a classic case.
If you hadn't left me in the way that you did, so terribly and without regret or remorse, I wouldn't have stayed here at home for so long. I needed to recover; to be surrounded by the safety and tremendous love that my family has to offer. They healed me. Well, that and a little bit of time. And, if I hadn't stayed at home for so long, I'd never have gotten restless and started to really think about what I want to accomplish with my life. Which is exactly where I am now. I'm whole again, and ready for... well, life, I suppose. Though to me, right now, life looks an awful lot like my next adventure. The stars are aligning, the universe is coming together, and I'm finally getting my karma paycheck. And just in time, I might add.
I know you won't read this. That's alright. It's out there in the world so I've done my part. I just wanted to say thanks. In the end, you gave me exactly what I needed: a push. But I've got it from here. I'll be making those leaps on my own from now on.
I'll admit it. I still check your Facebook picture. And hers, for that matter. It's a strange compulsion. I'm not sure why I do it or what I'm expecting every time I look. I just know that there are moments when I need to do it. And after, I feel better. This happened to me last night, and to my surprise, yours had changed. It hadn't in awhile and so it did catch me off guard a bit. You and her are in front of some Christmas tree; it's big and you're outside, so I can only assume it's in some sort of square. She looks stunning and you look... different. I don't know how else to describe it. Older, maybe, or worn out. You're smiling but there's no real life behind it. I know the face. You're posing, already thinking about who will see this picture and if it will depict you in the way you want to be seen. Classic Ben. And it made me so sad. Because I realized that you're not really happy either. And I'm not sure it has anything to do with her. If it does, that doesn't mean it's her fault. It's just who you are. You always wanted something different, ever-changing, and once you got it, you realized it wasn't that great after all. You so desperately wanted this thrilling, city life with money and fame and women. And you got it... sort of. Though I'm sure it's not at all how you thought it was going to be.
But anyway. My epiphany. What I realized was this: I'm the lucky one in our situation. I've been thinking this whole time that I'm the victim. That you left me alone and scared and certainly not at all prepared to function on my own. But that's all wrong. You did this for me. Now, don't get me wrong. I have no illusions about how this all played out. You certainly did this with very, very selfish intentions. I'm just talking about the way things worked out in the end. I've always believed in karma, and putting out all the good that you can. The bad people will get theirs eventually. And this is a classic case.
If you hadn't left me in the way that you did, so terribly and without regret or remorse, I wouldn't have stayed here at home for so long. I needed to recover; to be surrounded by the safety and tremendous love that my family has to offer. They healed me. Well, that and a little bit of time. And, if I hadn't stayed at home for so long, I'd never have gotten restless and started to really think about what I want to accomplish with my life. Which is exactly where I am now. I'm whole again, and ready for... well, life, I suppose. Though to me, right now, life looks an awful lot like my next adventure. The stars are aligning, the universe is coming together, and I'm finally getting my karma paycheck. And just in time, I might add.
I know you won't read this. That's alright. It's out there in the world so I've done my part. I just wanted to say thanks. In the end, you gave me exactly what I needed: a push. But I've got it from here. I'll be making those leaps on my own from now on.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
