How do you do it? How do you breathe again?

I read this book once, a long time ago, called "The Secret Life of Bees."  If you haven't read it yourself, I absolutely recommend it, but this certainly isn't a literary blog so I won't judge you if you never seek it out.

It's a book about three siblings; sisters, actually.  And of the whole fantastic story, one part has always stuck out to me: one of the sisters kills herself.  She's special, and throughout the the book her one downfall is that she feels too much.  She's cursed in that she seems to feel the hurt of the world 10 times over.  It finally becomes too much for her to bear and so she walks into a river, holding rocks to weigh her down, and drowns herself.

I've always felt a special connection to this particular character... That the world often feels too cruel, too unforgiving to go on one more minute, one more breath.  But you do.  That's the thing about hurt.  It doesn't kill you.

It should.  Certain things should absolutely kill you - the death of a parent, divorce, losing someone you once considered your best friend.  All of these things should kill you.  You shouldn't have to go on living, trying to find a way to make sense of that kind of loss.  But you do.  You somehow learn to breathe again.  And you realize that this type of hurt is, unfortunately, what life is all about.  No one gets a free pass.  We all have something that makes us stop, everyday, and draw a breath.

Of course it's not fair.  It never was.  But at least we're all together in that.

By the way, I'm back.  Hallelujah.

Guinevere

I cannot believe that my last post here was almost two years ago.  Where has the time gone?  So, so much has happened.

A week or so ago, I received a spam message to one of the first blog posts I wrote here.  Before I deleted it, I read through the post- and succumbed to a surprising amount of nostalgia afterwards.  I couldn't believe how much different that girl sounded from the one I like to think I am today.  She seemed so strong and together, while I struggle to make it through whole days without eating a giant helping of self-doubt.  Back then, the blog was my therapist, the place I could go where I could just write and vent and not have to worry about the backlash.  I haven't enjoyed that feeling in a long time.  More importantly, I started writing here because there were things that needed to be said, that needed to change.  And change they did.

So I'm back.  For how long, I'm not sure, but for now I know that I need this again.  I need to hold myself accountable for the things that have happened, for the person that I am.  Mistakes and all.