I think it's safe to say...

... that no one reads this anymore. And I kind of like that. Because now it's just me here, all alone, the way it should be.

I feel a bit like I'm drowning. Not in a I'm-in-danger-of-killing-myself way, but in a I-STILL-don't-know-what-to-do-with-my-life kind of way. I've read countless times that your twenties are for having fun, while your thirties offer up something more valuable: self-awareness. By your thirties you should know the kind of person you are, what makes you happy and what doesn't, and where you see yourself ending up. I know that I'm still five years away from this threshold, but I'd like some sort of guarantee, please. Because if I wake up on the day of my 30th birthday still feeling like this, I'm going to be PISSED.

But seriously, I've been doing a lot of self-reflection (which is what happens when you're only working one job and have tons of free time on your hands) lately and it just seems that the more I try to think things through in a rational way, the more confused I get. I liked Julia's suggestion: flip a coin. Can I really leave my possible future career, and therefore life, up to the fates? In all honesty, I've always sort of believed that things go the way they're supposed to go; there really isn't an element of control at all, people just can't deal with that idea of that, so they do things to convince themselves they're the ones making choices.

But then I think that the Fates can't possibly have this kind of life lined up for me. Aimless wanderer? Daughter of an alcoholic father and an emotional wreck of a mother? THIS. JUST. CAN'T. BE. IT.

I now know why people jump from relationship to relationship. I always thought it was just because they couldn't stand the idea of being alone, but really, it's back to the control thing again. When everything in your life is going nowhere, a relationship offers you a hand. It's the easiest thing in life to change. Jobs, moves, what you're going to do on Saturday night. All that takes some serious forethought. But a relationship you can end in 10 seconds and never look back. Control.

All this rambling actually does have a point. One of my good friends recently asked me, point blank, if I ever planned on dating again. Instantly, I said no. Psh. That's ridiculous. What's the point? And she just stared at me and said, "So... you just plan on never dating? Ever? Again?" And this is from a woman who only a week ago broke up with her boyfriend. My mother is another perfect example. After recently going through a terrible breakup with her boyfriend of five years, she keeps saying she needs a date. WHAT? How are people doing this? Doesn't everyone see that relationships are ridiculous? What's the point? You don't need them to reproduce, and, quite frankly, I'm fairly convinced the human race should cut back on that anyway. We already have a world filled with useless, stupid people. I think we can take a break from the procreation for a while. Just sayin'.

I always wonder how people get to be who they are. Why are some people so afraid and others seem to have no fear at all? Are some just better at hiding it, or do they really just never have anything bad happen to them? I know there are lucky bastards out there like that, but I think they're probably the minority.

To me, this is what makes sense: I had a terrible first relationship. He always made me feel second rate, like I could never measure up. I've never figured out if it was him making me feel that way, or if I made myself feel that way, but does it really matter? The person you love should make you feel worshiped, like you are the the only thing in the world that makes them feel better on a bad day. I never did that for him. Then there's the disaster that was my parent's divorce. That really renewed my faith in love, right there. And now, Mom and Vern. I have countless other examples of cheating, lying, and deception that have happened to family and friends. And let's not forget about the celebrities.

It's simple math. Or stupidity, however you want to look at it. If you get burned by putting your hand in a flame, you don't do it again. Or, if you do, you're an idiot. And that same theory applies here. If you have countless examples of relationships not working out, including your own, why would you ever do it again? Exactly. Idiot.

It's not a pity thing. Don't feel bad for the people who are broken so far beyond repair that they can't be fixed. 'Cause they have a one-up on you. They've learned. They know how to be alone, to enjoy the time they have here doing things that they want to do. You don't have to compromise for another, or explain where you've been or what you were doing. There are no fights to keep you up at night, no wondering whether or not it will be your last one, if he really won't come home this time. If you're alone, there's no disappointment. There's just you, swimming along, trying to stay afloat. Yes, sometimes the loneliness threatens to sink your little ship. It's heavy. It's palpable. But, there's no guarantee you won't feel that exact same way in your next relationship.

Right? Right.