Haunted.

I had a terrible dream last night. Ben invited me down to his family reunion; we apparently were still very much together. And as we walk in, he suddenly stops dead, and starts backing up, with me behind him. Guess who showed up unexpectedly? Micaela. She starts advancing on him, in an attempt to confront him about what an asshole he is, I'm sure, and he's still tripping over me in his attempt to run away. Then I see in his eyes his split second decision; he leaves me behind and moves towards here, with some bullshit excuse about how he found me on the side of the road, and I simply wouldn't leave him alone. I weigh my options, and seriously consider walking away when I finally stand up for myself, walk over to Micaela and say, "We need to talk." Ben is absolutely stunned, and Sarah runs after us, yelling at her brother, "We all knew this would happen, you idiot! You don't get to treat people this way." And the three of us walk off into the Cape Cod sunset.

Now, you might be thinking that shit like this is therapeutic. Maybe, deep down, it is. But the problem with this particular dream is that it was so vivid. And before we walked in, and all hell broke loose, it was just Ben and I, the way things were. It's almost like my subconscious is insisting that I keep on dealing with this, to ensure that I'm really okay. I don't know if it's loneliness, or having so much time on my hands from being unemployed, but I've been thinking about him a lot lately. Not about getting back together, or in any real "scene"; mostly just flashes of his face, or things we had together. It could be this Ithaca idea that's stirred up all of these emotions. I saw the apartment we lived in on Craigslist for rent and it brought all of those memories rushing back. Fighting and working 10 hour shifts after a day full of school simply because I didn't want to be home. But it also brought back walking into the apartment and having my favorite meal prepared, and the day I came home and found Zander waiting for me, the most perfect present anyone could ask for. There's got to be a dichotomy; I think even when it ends in hurt and pain, you still end up thinking about all of the good stuff that led up to that moment.

This is part of the reason why I'm so damn eager to start the next phase of my life. Heather and I have been talking about opportunities in Buffalo, I'm still considering Ithaca and Vermont, and Rochester hasn't been totally ruled out either. I just know that it's time for me, it's time to be 23, it's time to live. And fuck it if I'm afraid. Nothing amazing ever came of being comfortable.