You're in the arms of your angel. May you find some comfort here.

I've been thinking about you a lot this week. I couldn't figure out why. I know it's almost been a year, but I wasn't prepared yet.

Today is your birthday. I'd almost forgotten, but I like to think that maybe these sleepless nights have been your way of reminding me. Happy 14th birthday, sweet boy. I'm sorry that I hadn't been around for the last few, or that I let you grow so much without noticing. I started this blog with an entry about you way back in January. I remembered the time you fought tooth and nail to have me let you jump off the balcony only to have me tell you no. You convinced me, instead, to let you two slide down your stairs and out the door into the snow on sleds made of pillows. You weren't afraid of anything.

Thinking about this reminds me of the time you two wanted me to play goalie in your street hockey game. I put on your too-small pads and let you take shots at me. I ended up bruised and slightly more alert, while you two literally fell on the ground laughing. This leads into the many times you two would trick me into "hanging out" with the dead deer hanging in your Dad's garage. Do you remember the cookie dough? I can't recall how many times we got sick from it, but it was too many. We could never figure out the perfect dough to milk ratio.

I remember you being so little that you were afraid to go under water in the river behind your house. I'd take you out every day, hold you in my arms, and we'd dunk together until you finally got used to it. By the end of that summer you were jumping off the end of the dock with nothing but your "swimmies" to keep you afloat.

I remember when you were just a baby and I tripped over a chair at Linda's and we fell. I ended up bruising my tailbone pretty badly as I twisted to make sure you didn't get hurt. You didn't cry. I almost did.

I spent so much time with you throughout the years that you were more like a little brother to me than some kid I babysat. I remember giving up several night with friends to come and watch you two. Not just for the money, but because you were my favorite. That part never changed.

There's a kid in Gavin's class named Christian and he looks just like you. The last time I was "parent" helper, he'd lost his two front teeth and so when he said his name it sounded like "Chrithchan" rather than "Christian". He's my favorite, too. And one of Gav's best friends. Sometimes it's hard to look at him, the resemblance is so obvious. But he reminds me of how awesome you were, and that, my little boy, is almost enough.

So. Happy birthday. I hope that wherever you are, you're playing video games, and knowing that everyone here misses you so much. And that cookie dough will never be the same without you.