Such is life.

This past week has been rough. No ifs, ands or buts about it. I lost the more lucrative of my two jobs, and then today found out that the NYS Department of Labor is one big ball of stupid. I was told, in no uncertain terms, that it doesn't matter if you go into work for 15 minutes one day- that 15 minutes counts as a day of work, and therefore decreases your unemployment benefits by one quarter. So, hypothetically speaking, I could go into work for 15 minutes, on four different days, equalling a total of 1 hour of work for the week, and still not receive any benefits whatsoever. I understand that there are a lot of people out there who don't want to work; they'd rather sit back and do nothing and receive a check every week. But I'm not one of them. More importantly, it's almost impossible to survive on what they give you in a month anyway, without another form of income. Why aren't they encouraging people to work, rather than penalizing people like myself, who want to work as much as possible, by taking away what little help I am entitled to receive?

My father is really pushing this moving idea. I think if there was any possible way for me to stay around here and be successful, he would be touting that as well; but at this point, it's just not working. I've been working two dead-end jobs for awhile now, scraping by, living with him and not really having a life of my own. I think I've used my family as an excuse for so long now, that I'm still finding it hard to truth. And the truth is that, besides them, there really is nothing here for me. I need to finish school (which I can't technically do until I'm 24 anyway, since they don't considering you financially independent from your parents until that age), and get on the fast track towards finding a career. I looked online today at the NYU and Denver Publishing Institute programs and got excited just reading about all of the classes. And that's how it should be. I don't mind doing mindless jobs to earn money, as long as it's in an effort to get where I really want to be. But I haven't even been doing that; working minimum wage jobs for fifty hours a week is a fast track to NOWHERE.

I'm hoping that Sam losing her job as well will give her the push she needs to move with me. We talked a little bit about Vermont yesterday; we have family there, and as luck would have it, an apartment across from my cousin's condo is opening up soon. The rent is a bit much for the two of us: $900-$1200 a month. But even in us just talking about it, I could see she was a bit excited to move into the next phase of her life. She's just as stuck as I am, if not more. She never moved away for college, or left home for a job, so she's literally been here her whole life. I'm not sure she's got it in her to leave, but I'm hoping that if we go tandem on this, and live within a two hour range of home, she'll make the leap.

Anyway. Enough venting for the day. We're going to visit Sam for a bit, and then I've got to head into work to talk to Garrett and Lisa about a way to work my schedule around this unemployment bullshit. Then it's home to set up shop at the kitchen table in what I've affectionally been calling "Resume Row". Pray to the career Gods for me, guys. I need all the help I can get.

Unemployment Blues

It's been ten days since my last post... I think that's the longest I've gone without writing since I've started this thing. I decided to write today because maybe I'll get the answers I'm looking for through simple introspection. I went to work on Monday, same as every day, and Herb was in one of his moods. Lately, because the company has been in so much financial trouble and we haven't received any new merchandise since Christmas, we all spend most of our time out at the counter, talking and doing crossword puzzles. When the occasional customer does come in, they usually realize that we still have NorthFace winter coats, and walk right back out. But on Monday Herb didn't want us doing any of that stuff; he said he had a bad feeling about things, and that we needed to make the store look more "shop-able". So I spent all day rearranging racks of jeans, making sure all of our shoe displays were out; stupid, inane tasks, to make him happy.

As luck would have it, I only had to work 5 to 9:30 on Tuesday, so I had big plans to relax with a book all day. Until I received a phone call from Sam, saying that it was over, they had called this morning and we were closing. ON SATURDAY. The assholes gave us four days notice. Then, they refused to announce it to the "public" until yesterday, so we've had people coming in, asking us if we're closing as we box all of our shit up, and we have to tell them no. Everything has changed, I have to close tonight, and when the doors are down, they won't open again. We'll spend Friday with the gates shut, packing up the last of it all, and Saturday we won't open at all. Sam was really upset, but she's been there a long six years, and she's put a lot of heart into that company. Ashlee is in a bad spot as she just moved out of Joey's and got her own place, which she simply cannot afford with one job alone. I've got this issue of debt, which my father graciously paid, but now I've got no way to pay him back. Sam and I, obviously, have to hit the unemployment office on Monday to see what that's about. We both work second jobs, and I know there's a limit on how many hours you can have with that, before they start deducting from the amount of your unemployment. I am looking forward to having about a week off; I only work three days at Hallmark next week, and I'm so used to working 12-hour days that I'm not sure what I'll do with myself.

So here's the big question. Obviously, I can't go on forever without a job. I don't even really want to collect unemployment. It gives me the heebie-jeebies and makes me feel lazy. But I do know how hard it is to find work around here. People who are completely over-qualified are taking minimum wage jobs just to get by. I get that. So I understand that while I may want to work, it may not be possible to find a job right off the bat. But this unemployment business has brought about a whole other mess of questions. Should I finish school? The obvious answer to this seems like yes. However, I'm not sure how much good a degree will do me at this point, when experience seems to matter more than my name on a piece of paper. What do I really want to do? This one seems harder. I can't decide if I want to do what I love, regardless of if I make money at it, or if I'd rather take a job that isn't exactly what I'm looking for, and live a comfortable lifestyle. I think that I could be happy doing a lot of things. It's sort of a square peg-round hole conundrum that can't seemed to be solved with one simple answer. Obviously, me moving out has to be put on hold for awhile, as well as my lofty dream of owning a Kindle by the Fall.

I do know that I miss learning. If I had the disposable income, I would take a class or two right now just to feel as though I'm accomplishing something worthwhile. But my father makes too much money for me to receive financial aid, and I don't make enough to pay for it out of pocket.

Julia and I did decide that it's time for her to have a library card, as I don't forsee being able to spend $60 a week on books anymore. I'm not allowed to have cards, as I've thieved books from every library I've ever been a member of, so she's the obvious solution. I have to work today and tomorrow, long days, but it doesn't seem so bad when I've got an endless amount of time stretching in front of me to, seemingly, do what I want. That's the trouble with time; the things you've put off, you can't ignore anymore. And I've ignored a lot of stuff for a long, long time.

My name is Danielle LaCourse and I'm an unemployed uber-procrastinator. Won't you hire me?

It's time to let you go. It's time to say goodbye. No more excuses, no more tears to cry.

Okay. I haven't updated since M's mini-breakdown and I'm not sure why. Is it contentment? Today was a lovely day. I only had to work until 2, with Garrett and Lisa, and we laughed our hearts out the majority of the time. Then I came home, sat in the sun and read for awhile, took the dog for a run, and cleaned out my bathroom. I did three loads of laundry, went to Jrecks for dinner, and stopped by Joe and Jess's on my way home to see the boys. Just as I got there, the ice cream truck pulled up around the corner, so Gav and I ran over for some popsicles; he got one shaped like Batman, and Jack Jack got SpongeBob. Jack can (essentially) say my name now, though most of the time the D gets left out. Still, it makes my heart sing. So I came home, ate my sub, sat in the sun with Dad for a little while longer, drinking and smoking, and then went to hang out with Sam. Honestly, if I could choose a way to spend all my days, I'd spend it exactly like today. The perfect balance of accomplishment and relaxation.

Sometimes I do wonder if it will ever be possible for me to meet and hang out with other people; to form relationships outside my family. I know how blessed I am to have the kind of family that I have; the kind that, literally, love you no matter what. We're there for each other, in good times and bad, and we're all better for how close we've become. But I have noticed that perhaps it might be hard for me to meet someone, anyone, outside of my family because of how close-knit we are. I think I'm on my way to being ready for something real again, but in the next moment I have to wonder if the reason I cling to my family so much is because deep down, my heart knows I'm actually NOT.

Here's what I've come to. I'm happy. My family is healthy. I have TONS of people who love me, just as I am, and somehow bring out the best of me when all I ever show the world is my worst. I found someone to be my second to Ben, who showed me that I am someone worth investing time in, if even for a short while. I don't think of Ben anymore; I can look at his picture, and think of our life together, and not shed a tear. Real closure. Real change. Real improvement. I have so many things to be grateful for, to get me out of bed in the morning, and I know how tedious the thread it's all attached to is. Every day is a gift, not a right. If I can just keep that theory in mind, somehow, in every one of my days, I know someday I'll find someone who is truly my equal.

Anyway. My next post will be about how two nights ago my Dad ever-so-subtly mentioned that someday he'd like grandkids. Someday SOON. Thanks, Dad. As if I don't have enough pressure on me already. I also received a letter in the mail from SLU from the job I applied for, stating that the hiring committee would be doing interviews in the next few weeks, so I should watch for a phone call. If I don't receive one, we obviously know what that means. But it's a step in the right direction, and they haven't rejected me yet, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for now. Oh, and one of my closest friends from college, Leslie, picked out her wedding dress from the same place that shoots "Say Yes to the Dress" on TLC. I forget the name of the place, I'll do more on that later, but it is absolutely STUNNING. I can't show pictures here, in case the groom is sneaky (Christopher) but trust me when I say it suits her perfectly.

And that, my friends, is all.

But I know that you'll find another that doesn't always make you want to cry.

Okay, M. Here it is. The tough love part. I don't think you're done yet. I think you want to be; you want to be immune to his charm and personality. But you're not yet, and I'm telling you, you're not going anywhere until you are. There's something magical about Ben; and I say that from a very honest place. I wasted six and a half years with him. I know how hard it can be to cut ties. It's just something in your tone and words. I'm sorry that you have to go through this and that he appears to have not changed at all. But if this continues, I promise you, one day you'll wake up and that french toast will be sitting there. And you'll walk right past it, pack your bags, and never look back. It's a wonderful feeling, and when you're ready, IF you're ready, we'll move somewhere warm and fabulous, meet cowboy twins, and be neighbors, and friends, for life.

Call me if you need me. I'm always here.

Real Life.

Okay, guys. It seems I have found myself in a spot of financial trouble and I need your help.

Let's face it: I've never been a saver. Actually, that's not true. Sometime after I left home for school, I caught the spending bug and never looked back. But before that, as a teenager and even younger, I was always a saver. I'm not sure what changed, if it was the freedom, or a void I was trying to fill, but my satisfaction used to come from reading books and spending time with the people I love, and now it comes from a very different, very materialistic place. I need to go back to the simplicity of it all; spending $8 on a book I really want, rather than $68 on underwear. It's ludacris. This person isn't me. And while I know it's cheesy, and somewhat unrealistic, today everything needs to change. It's midnight, and I'm ready to let go. I've done so much changing already. I know I have it in me. So here's what I need from all of you:

1) You have my official permission to slap me, poke me, yell at me and just generally make me feel like crap every time I look at an article of clothing, or otherwise unnecessary item for purchase.
2) Tough love. I need to be reminded that the reason my father cannot buy clothes from this decade to go on a date is because I do stupid, selfish things like this. No, I'm not getting down on myself. However, I need a good reality check sometimes to remind me of the things that are important. He is the MOST important man in my life. No excuse. I cannot let him down again.
3) I love you all for helping me through this and I know that you'll do the best that you can. But the truth is, I do need to learn some independence. So when you feel as though I can financially fly on my own, let me go. Until that happens, I need a babysitter. It's a sad and shameful truth, but I'm a smart girl and I WILL learn.
4) Let's find cheap and easy ways to have fun and occupy our time. I know that I'm not the only one who spends money unwisely, often out of boredom. Sam, let's run/walk in the morning somewhere to save on the cost of classes and the spa and get in some extra hangout time (like we don't spend enough together as it is). Let's stay in and play pool, drink wine, make snacks, watch movies. But I do think it would be a fun little exercise to try and find cheap and fun ways to do things around here. I know it's Massena. I know our resources are limited. We'll just have to be creative.

Okay. That's it for now. I'm going to head to bed and try to get some rest. I've got a lot to think about, and a lot couple of days ahead of me. But I'll get through this. And at the end of this tunnel, I'm going to treat myself to a delicious, $2.24, DD French Vanilla iced coffee with extra cream, no sugar. I guarantee you I'll deserve it.

Some people call me the space cowboy. Some call me the gangster of love.

I just found this fabulous online list of the top 500 classic rock songs of all time. Of course, they were just in the opinion of this one guy, but he had a really extensive list, and I would definitely agree with more than half of his choices. I ended up downloading 72 new songs for our karaoke collection and I'm sure that they'll bring us all out of our ruts this weekend.

I had the majority of today off, working only from ten until two, so I came home and relaxed for awhile, before running errands with Dad. In my boredom, I watched a million wasteful, but hilarious, YouTube videos and played around with some of my old makeup. I figured out this fantastic new look that I'm really loving, so watch for it on those rare nights that I make it out of work and want to do something. Here's the funny thing about me: I wear the same three makeup staples everyday, rarely do I change them up. And yet I love, love, love to spend money on all the newest things. When I make my trip to Saratoga, I've already plotted out my trip to Sephora. It's an addiction. On that same thread, I think Sarah and I are going to try and plan a spa day while I'm there, which I'm really hoping works out. I would gladly trade some items at Sephora for a half hour massage. I deserve it. Who knows when the next time I'll be able to have four days off will be.

I know this is short, and mostly boring, but I'm tired now and Sam and I are getting up early to head to Canton for coffee and bookstore shopping. I don't know why I don't do that more often; it's really only half an hour away, and the coffee is exceptional. Hmmm...