Okay. I haven't updated since M's mini-breakdown and I'm not sure why. Is it contentment? Today was a lovely day. I only had to work until 2, with Garrett and Lisa, and we laughed our hearts out the majority of the time. Then I came home, sat in the sun and read for awhile, took the dog for a run, and cleaned out my bathroom. I did three loads of laundry, went to Jrecks for dinner, and stopped by Joe and Jess's on my way home to see the boys. Just as I got there, the ice cream truck pulled up around the corner, so Gav and I ran over for some popsicles; he got one shaped like Batman, and Jack Jack got SpongeBob. Jack can (essentially) say my name now, though most of the time the D gets left out. Still, it makes my heart sing. So I came home, ate my sub, sat in the sun with Dad for a little while longer, drinking and smoking, and then went to hang out with Sam. Honestly, if I could choose a way to spend all my days, I'd spend it exactly like today. The perfect balance of accomplishment and relaxation.
Sometimes I do wonder if it will ever be possible for me to meet and hang out with other people; to form relationships outside my family. I know how blessed I am to have the kind of family that I have; the kind that, literally, love you no matter what. We're there for each other, in good times and bad, and we're all better for how close we've become. But I have noticed that perhaps it might be hard for me to meet someone, anyone, outside of my family because of how close-knit we are. I think I'm on my way to being ready for something real again, but in the next moment I have to wonder if the reason I cling to my family so much is because deep down, my heart knows I'm actually NOT.
Here's what I've come to. I'm happy. My family is healthy. I have TONS of people who love me, just as I am, and somehow bring out the best of me when all I ever show the world is my worst. I found someone to be my second to Ben, who showed me that I am someone worth investing time in, if even for a short while. I don't think of Ben anymore; I can look at his picture, and think of our life together, and not shed a tear. Real closure. Real change. Real improvement. I have so many things to be grateful for, to get me out of bed in the morning, and I know how tedious the thread it's all attached to is. Every day is a gift, not a right. If I can just keep that theory in mind, somehow, in every one of my days, I know someday I'll find someone who is truly my equal.
Anyway. My next post will be about how two nights ago my Dad ever-so-subtly mentioned that someday he'd like grandkids. Someday SOON. Thanks, Dad. As if I don't have enough pressure on me already. I also received a letter in the mail from SLU from the job I applied for, stating that the hiring committee would be doing interviews in the next few weeks, so I should watch for a phone call. If I don't receive one, we obviously know what that means. But it's a step in the right direction, and they haven't rejected me yet, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for now. Oh, and one of my closest friends from college, Leslie, picked out her wedding dress from the same place that shoots "Say Yes to the Dress" on TLC. I forget the name of the place, I'll do more on that later, but it is absolutely STUNNING. I can't show pictures here, in case the groom is sneaky (Christopher) but trust me when I say it suits her perfectly.
And that, my friends, is all.
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