This is bad, real bad, Michael Jackson.

I have that stupid Keri Hilson song stuck in my head. And of course every time I get in the car, it's playing. I get it, God. Sometimes, love knocks you down.

Today is an easy day; I don't have to be to work until 5:30, it's only a four hour shift, Herb called and offered to buy coffee if I just picked it up, and I think we're reinstating family game night, effective immediately. All in all, a perfect way to start the first real day of Fall. I know that, officially, Fall doesn't start for another month or so, but the smell in the air and the leaves on the trees are impossible to ignore.

I'm happy. I talked to Heather last night for the first time in a month or so, and it was nice to hear a friend's voice. I drank three glasses of wine, ate some ramen noodles (thanks Jules) and crashed around 2:30. I got to sleep in today, and so far, most of my morning has consisted of reading, drinking coffee, and making a list of all of the things I should be doing instead. Not smoking really frees up my time.

Not much else to report. I'm really looking forward to our ladies weekend away in October, and I've literally been counting down the days. I need a mini-vacation, a road trip, time to myself. I know that next month will be hard for me, and so by the time October rolls around, I'll welcome the distraction. Jules and I are also trying to plan a weekend down to Ithaca so she can check out Wells for school. I'm 100% on board with this; I'm missing the apple cider from the farmer's market.

That's it for now. I'm about to give in to the Fates and just download the song. Damn it.

I wish I could say to you, "It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright."

I'm tired, but I'm trying to do my best to update this everyday. Today is an 11 hour day and I'm not looking forward to it. It's gloom and doom outside, the temperature has dropped enough where it's finally starting to feel like Fall, and I just realized that a week from today Julia will be moved back to Mom's. I hate this time of year.

I'm thankful for keeping busy simply because it doesn't allow me time to think. Smoking used to be my outlet; I'd sit outside on the front stoop and de-stress about everything. But among other things, I need to figure out a way to deal with my feelings in a healthy way. On days like this, when it's hard to find the sunshine, I feel sad. I need to get out of this town.

When I woke up I already had two texts from Ben. He's in such a tough place right now, and I can't even put my finger on why I care. He says he can't eat, he obviously doesn't sleep, and I know that feeling so well, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Even him. Especially him. So, it's hard for me to turn my back to all of this even though I know for a fact that I'm happier when I do. Then, I think, I'm trying to be less selfish since that seems to be one of my main vices. I'm stuck in a place that I don't want to be.

And so I'll work. And I'll read. And I'll do everything I can to avoid being sucked into this, while still keeping my eye on his progress. It's weird, the way I feel about him now. I love him in a... familial way rather than a romantic way. I can't decide if I think that's better or worse.

On a different note, my first night back at the bookstore reminded me of all of the reasons why I love that job. I'm grateful that I can spend a few hours a week helping other people with their selections, and secretly making a list of my own. Just the smell of books makes me so happy.

Here comes the rain. Same time, same place tomorrow? It's a date.

I see another cup of coffee in my future.

I'm tired. I didn't realize how much I enjoyed having that little summer vacation from work. I went from one job to three, quite quickly, and it's shaping up to look like I'll be working an average of 50 hours a week. It's almost impossible to work more than that without passing out from exhaustion or throwing abox cutter at people out of frustration. I'm excited to be back at the bookstore; I'm in my element there. Hacketts is tough because there's really only four of us working, and three of us are supervisors. The problem lies in that because there's only three of us, none of us can ever really have more than a day off. Dad called me last night trying to plan an impromptu Ottawa weekend with Joe and Jess and there's just no way. I'd need at least two weeks notice before I could pull something like that off. And even then it's a long shot. But I'm so desperate to get the hell out of here for a few days that I've been scheming up ways to make it work all day. If only.

I'm still feeling good about everything. I hate when I'm in a great mood and then something happens that reminds me of something sad. I was looking at pictures on Facebook last night of Shane's son, Gage, and I'm friends with his brother on MySpace. Then I went to bed and dreamt about him; he was still alive, and we were best friends. I've had similar dreams about Christian where I wake up, and for those first moments, I think the dream is real. It's almost harder than just living with the day to day ache.

I've started another journal, a written one, for more mundane things. I know what you're thinking: how could it possibly get any more mundane than what I write here? Trust me, it's possible. I think it's going to be more of a planning journal; a way to write about all of the things I want to accomplish. I keep dreaming about Ithaca and Vermont and all of these places I'd love to live, just for a little while. I've put so many things on the back burner these last two years that I'm only doing myself a disservice by not dreaming about the possibilities.

Anyway, it's time to get ready for work. I'm thinking that if I can keep up this non-smoking thing that in a few months, I'm going to reward myself with one of the new ereaders. I've been comparing the Sony and the Kindle all morning, and I know that Apple is rumored to be coming out with something similar before Christmas. Yay for more books and less smoking!

Non-smoker? Non-smoker, anyone?

I've only had three cigarettes in the last five days or so. I know that doesn't qualify me for any medals but I'm feeling pretty damn proud of myself. Especially considering the climate in which I decided to quit. The store has been a very stressful place to be lately, with our lack of sales and the dwindling amount of customers walking in and realizing we're now selling crap. Additionally, I've got this on-going stuff with Ben, and then I saw Mark for the first time this past weekend. Talk about a challenge. I'm not too hung up on the fact that I haven't "quit" entirely; I'm just so proud of myself for being able to change it at all. I feel less guilty, and I'm really working on getting Dad to do it with me. It's hard because I'm around so little these days, and when he's alone, smoking is his ally.

I start back at the bookstore this week, which means, officially, I'll be working three jobs. I'm looking forward to the money, and staying busy, with our Vermont girl's weekend in October my shining star in the distance. I'd like to have some money saved for it so that when I finally arrive in Burlington, lots of fun can ensue.

I haven't totally put this moving thing on the back burner either; though, I'm starting to think that perhaps I'm one of the Van Wilders in life... I just can't seem to find my niche. There are so many things I'd like to dabble in that committing to just one for a lifetime seems terrifying. I'm torn between wanting to feel normal and successful and wanting to throw caution to the wind to figure out what my true passions are. I've lived my life too safely up until this point to not consider the option.

So. There's my life in a nutshell. I know I haven't written in awhile; it comes and goes. I was feeling too vulnerable to write after everything that happened and I didn't want to say something I'd regret later. I'm feeling great now though, so hopefully you guys feel it too.

PS: It smells like Fall today, and I'm oh so happy about that.

I just saw Halley's comet, she waved...

My life has been so surreal these last few days. Thank God I've been able to shake it. Sam is on her way with coffee, it's an absolutely beautiful day outside, we're heading to Potsdam for the day to get Julia's hair done, and I don't work until 5. I feel blissful. What a change from the last 72 hours. I was sinking, but once again the universe helped me pick myself back up and I'm feeling better than okay again.

After everything that happened last night, Julia and I remembered the meteor shower, so we went outside and watched. We agreed that next year, we'll remember ahead of time, and plant some lounge chairs on the front yard with coffee and doughnuts. Anyway, it was beautiful. We probably only saw 10 or so in a 45-minute period (due to our inability to focus), but it was so worth it. I felt better when I came back in, and after a good night's sleep, I'm back to normal.

I still haven't decided how I'm going to proceed with this. I know what I told him, and I know what I said... but I can't get rid of the feeling that yet again, I'm running to his rescue after he treats me like crap. The truth is, there was a day or so, in between all of this, where I missed him incredibly. But last night, I was reminded of all of the reasons why I'd stayed away for so long. You can delude yourself into a lot of things for the sake of love; but this is just too big.

So, I'm going to take the day... hell, I might take a couple of days... to really think about how I'm going to do this. If I'm even going to do this.

If nothing else, it's great to be back.

And so it is just like you said it would be. Life goes easy on me...most of the time.

I wake up on a different side of the bed everyday. Somedays, I think my mood is all about how I decide I want it to go. I have a choice; I can think about him or I don't have to, I can look at pictures or I can burn them. I've always believed these things. But lately, I'm thinking more and more that in love, rarely are there choices. Sure, you can try to steer the situation in the direction you want it to go, and you can give it your all, but at the end of it all, you were either meant to love that person or you weren't. I have a magnet for Ben; that much is obvious. I'm a smart girl. I know that were it anyone else, I'd have never let them get away with what he got away with. But love makes you blind to the most obvious truths about life, and I can say with the utmost conviction that if he were to show up today and say "Let's give this one more try", I'm not sure what I'd do.

So, M, this is for you. It's been a long time since we've met in these pages, and talked to each other like old friends. I've had time to think about how I feel and the advice I want to give; not because you need it or even want it, but because it's mine to give, and because I wish someone would have told me what I'm about to tell you.

Forgive. Let it all go, run away, and start over. It seems so simple and yet so hard, and I get it. I do. But you may never find a love like this again and it would be a terrible shame if you ended up like me. I've had the love of my life and it was beautiful and far from perfect... but it was mine and I wouldn't change a thing. But as much as it hurts knowing all of the things that have transpired, I guarantee that it pales in comparison to how it feels to love someone you can't be with. It makes me ache to think about how happy I could've been; it's an ache that doesn't go away easily. I live with it everyday and it consumes me.

I've had a rough couple of years, and I don't think I'm out of line in feeling the way that I do. I'm not sure what I believe in, but I know that you've just got to love. Being angry does nothing but ruin the good moments in your life. Bitterness will seep out of you and create a wall between you and the people you love, and it's just not worth it. Be happy in this moment now; you never know when there might not be one to follow.

I can't give anything else. In truth, I think I've already given more than I was ready to. The price I've paid has been high; then again, when compared to all of the things I've gained, I feel lucky. The sun is shining, I've got a great group of people who love me just the way I am, and my home is happy. I'm honest and loving and sometimes a little stubborn. But I know what I want, and just because I can't have them right now, doesn't mean I won't look back on these days and be grateful.

7 years. Don't they go by in a blink.

Oh, you see that skin? It's the same she's been standing in since the day she saw him walking away. Now she's left cleaning up the mess he made.

I've avoided doing this since Friday for obvious reasons. Friday night I got drunkity drunk drunk after Ben called me to tell me, in four minutes, that he was sorry. It's amazing how he can walk around things; he's got a talent for it. He never really made his point, ended up hanging up on me after I reiterated several times that I don't want to talk to him, so I called him at 2 o'clock to tell him how I much I hate him. Thank God he didn't answer; it was a stupid idea anyway. When I spoke to him on Saturday, I asked him what he really called for, and again, the apologies. He also said, however, that he'd like to have a conversation in person sometime, whenever I'm up to it. I have no idea what this could possibly entail, or why it involves me, but I'm sure it has something to do with me telling Micaela all of the shit he's pulled over the last year.

But here's the thing about Ben: everything he does is to somehow serve himself. He's not getting ahold of me because he's actually sorry about what he did. On the contrary, I think he's probably proud of how long he was able to pull it off. He's calling because he needs me to get him out of this pickle he's in with his girlfriend, and he knows that, besides him admitting to everything he's done, I'm his saving grace. All I'd have to do is say that I lied about everything because I loved him so much, and he'd be off the hook. Now, he's crazy to think that after all the shit he put me through I'd ever want to help him with anything. But that's Ben for you. If nothing else, he's got a great imagination.

The worst part is, not only had he ruined the last year of my life with games and bullshit, but he ruined this new part, the part where I'm finally okay. And I hate him all over again for it. Let me be okay. Let me move on. It's hard enough having a daily reminder that he doesn't love me anymore; but I shouldn't be forced to relive everything just so he can move on and be happy. You made your bed and it's time you lie in it.

I just don't know anymore. This is not how I saw my life going.