I'm tired, but I'm trying to do my best to update this everyday. Today is an 11 hour day and I'm not looking forward to it. It's gloom and doom outside, the temperature has dropped enough where it's finally starting to feel like Fall, and I just realized that a week from today Julia will be moved back to Mom's. I hate this time of year.
I'm thankful for keeping busy simply because it doesn't allow me time to think. Smoking used to be my outlet; I'd sit outside on the front stoop and de-stress about everything. But among other things, I need to figure out a way to deal with my feelings in a healthy way. On days like this, when it's hard to find the sunshine, I feel sad. I need to get out of this town.
When I woke up I already had two texts from Ben. He's in such a tough place right now, and I can't even put my finger on why I care. He says he can't eat, he obviously doesn't sleep, and I know that feeling so well, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Even him. Especially him. So, it's hard for me to turn my back to all of this even though I know for a fact that I'm happier when I do. Then, I think, I'm trying to be less selfish since that seems to be one of my main vices. I'm stuck in a place that I don't want to be.
And so I'll work. And I'll read. And I'll do everything I can to avoid being sucked into this, while still keeping my eye on his progress. It's weird, the way I feel about him now. I love him in a... familial way rather than a romantic way. I can't decide if I think that's better or worse.
On a different note, my first night back at the bookstore reminded me of all of the reasons why I love that job. I'm grateful that I can spend a few hours a week helping other people with their selections, and secretly making a list of my own. Just the smell of books makes me so happy.
Here comes the rain. Same time, same place tomorrow? It's a date.
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