Oh, you see that skin? It's the same she's been standing in since the day she saw him walking away. Now she's left cleaning up the mess he made.

I've avoided doing this since Friday for obvious reasons. Friday night I got drunkity drunk drunk after Ben called me to tell me, in four minutes, that he was sorry. It's amazing how he can walk around things; he's got a talent for it. He never really made his point, ended up hanging up on me after I reiterated several times that I don't want to talk to him, so I called him at 2 o'clock to tell him how I much I hate him. Thank God he didn't answer; it was a stupid idea anyway. When I spoke to him on Saturday, I asked him what he really called for, and again, the apologies. He also said, however, that he'd like to have a conversation in person sometime, whenever I'm up to it. I have no idea what this could possibly entail, or why it involves me, but I'm sure it has something to do with me telling Micaela all of the shit he's pulled over the last year.

But here's the thing about Ben: everything he does is to somehow serve himself. He's not getting ahold of me because he's actually sorry about what he did. On the contrary, I think he's probably proud of how long he was able to pull it off. He's calling because he needs me to get him out of this pickle he's in with his girlfriend, and he knows that, besides him admitting to everything he's done, I'm his saving grace. All I'd have to do is say that I lied about everything because I loved him so much, and he'd be off the hook. Now, he's crazy to think that after all the shit he put me through I'd ever want to help him with anything. But that's Ben for you. If nothing else, he's got a great imagination.

The worst part is, not only had he ruined the last year of my life with games and bullshit, but he ruined this new part, the part where I'm finally okay. And I hate him all over again for it. Let me be okay. Let me move on. It's hard enough having a daily reminder that he doesn't love me anymore; but I shouldn't be forced to relive everything just so he can move on and be happy. You made your bed and it's time you lie in it.

I just don't know anymore. This is not how I saw my life going.