Just let me be myself for awhile.

I need to vent. I'm annoyed at my life; not life in general, but my own. Dad and I just got into a fight, not necessarily unlike us, because he's pissing me off. Never, in the last year and a half, have I wanted my own place so badly. He's storming around the house, military-style, cleaning things up. And granted, the house was a mess. My father doesn't live like that and I was surprised he let it go as long as he did. No biggie. Jules and I had pulled out the drawers in the dishwasher so the dishes could dry and then we were going to put them away. But it's no secret that when he's scrambling around the house like that, my stress level reacts by jumping from a 2 to a 10 in record time. So I made a comment to him about when he was leaving to go and get his haircut. And he whipped his head around and very nastily responded, "Yes. I'm leaving. And this is NOT my happy face." I assumed he was responding to my attitude, but I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut, so we bickered back and forth and he eventually left. Here's the part that bugs me, though. He was yelling at me and asking me why I didn't get up and do something to help out around here. Normally, I would agree with that statement. I could stand to help out more around the house. However. Yesterday, he and Julia literally sat around and watched tv from 2 until 7:30 when Julia came to visit me at work. Just because you wasted your day yesterday and feel like you need to accomplish something today, you're going to bitch at me about wasting time? Give me a fucking break. This is the second day off I've had in over five weeks, and the first one I've had on a weekend. And another thing. I mean this in the best way possible, because I do love my sister very much, but it's always been that I'm the responsible one and she's the flighty one. Dad and I are having this argument, and she's sitting at her computer, very much not doing anything productive either, and yet nothing is said to her about how she could get off her ass and help.

I just feel very...I don't know. It feels awful to even think it, let alone say it out loud. But when did I become the pseudo-mother? I mean, I knew that when I came home it was to help out. And I chose that. They needed me at the time. They still do, I suppose. I just have these very clear moments when I think about how this is not how I pictured my life going. Maybe it's a sign that it really is time to think about me moving out of here. For both of our sakes. We, as a whole, the three of us, need to learn to function on our own so that we can do a better job when we're together. I need a bit of independence to find myself and figure out what the hell I'm doing; Dad needs to learn to function on his own again and be alone; and Julia needs to figure out where she stands in the middle of all of that.

Really, I just need a goddamn break. Saratoga cannot come soon enough.

This is a big world, that was a small town there in my review mirror disappearing now. And it's too late for you and your white horse to catch me now.

Stupid, stupid rut. Okay. Today I'm officially sending out my resume and application to two different clerical jobs at SLU. That makes me feel better in a big way, just because it means I've done something to get ahead. In the back of my mind, of course, I'm wondering why I'm doing something that I don't want to spend my whole life at, but I know that I can't keep on doing what I have been; putting my head in the sand and pretending like I'm alright with it all. I need a bit more of a challenge, a bit more stimulation and excitement when I get up in the morning. So everyone, please send out good job vibes for me. I can use all the support I can get. It would rock if Sam could get in there too, so I'm going to try and help her work on her resume and letter of interest sometime tonight. I know it's asking a lot for us both to get better jobs and at the same place, but it would just be so damn perfect. We could ride together. We could go to the gym together. We could meet rich university men and date them, quite inappropriately, together. If I can't get a better job around here, I'm going to have to move. Which would not be the worst thing in the world, I could stand to be out there in real life for awhile. Things are just so easy here; I see the same people every day, hang out at all the same bars with all the same crowds. No wonder people get stuck. It's built into the atmosphere around here. Either that or it's something in the water.

Sarah thinks she and Dirck will be moving to Rochester sometime in August as he just got a new job there. I love Rochester. I know it well from my time spent there while Ben was at RIT and yet it is a little bit nostalgic for me. Rochester was when Ben and I were still good. We still loved each other so much that we thought the world didn't matter; we had many late night conversations about running away, eloping, and living on what I could sell as a writer and he could make doing construction. Oh, how things change. It is, of course, bittersweet, because we obviously couldn't ignore the world forever. It caved in on us, suffocated us, until we were forced to be realistic. And I think reality is what killed it for us. But I do think that making a life for myself in Rochester, with Sarah and Dirck, could change all of that for me. It's hard sometimes because I do think that everywhere I go in this world, something will remind me of him. I have a running list of all these things that I hate BECAUSE they remind me of him. Crazy, irrational things, like the Cape Cod potato chips that I won't let anyone in my family buy. Or anything with a lighthouse on it. Someday I'll write down the whole list, but it's not short, and it IS obnoxious. I think it comes with the territory when you're with someone for so long, because the list of memories is so exhaustive. It covers so much ground, so much time, that it will take a long time before I don't remember any of it. As I've said, though, I remember it in a bittersweet sort of way. Because it was so lovely while we had it, and because I'm so happy the difficult times are over. I'm in a great place, I'm ready to start fresh and do what I want to do with myself. I'm ready to take on the world. So. Here I go. Who's with me?

But when she did she was long gone, long gone.

I think that you and I really are connected, M. I was just pulling into my driveway from a nice little Walmart jaunt with Sam, and I was thinking the whole way home about the Dichotomy of Danielle. I'm not a patient person. Not in the least. And yet it's not hard for me to count on both hands all of the things I've done or am willing to do for the people I love. Joe called this afternoon, last minute, because he wanted a babysitter so he could make a trip to Malone with some of his friends. I called work and tried to switch my schedule around so that I could help him out. I needed the hours, so I couldn't today, but I tried. And I'm babysitting for him tomorrow afternoon. Now those boys are my life, and I welcome every chance I can to watch them grow, but there are people out there who wouldn't do the things my family does for each other. The lesson here is that I really am a very kind, generous person. I think that if I really had someone in my life who I was falling for, truly felt was my equal, that I would do a lot of things for him that I hate doing. Cooking and cleaning, for example... two of my least favorite things. I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that I just read your blog and I know exactly how you're feeling. And that is the Dichotomy of Ben. His moodiness is part of the package. I hated it too. Because for me, being with him was always enough to boost any mood I was in. There were nights I'd come home and he'd have rented my favorite movies and a plate would be waiting for me. But in the very next night, I'd come home to a nasty letter saying that the dishes needed to be done, and I owed him money for such and such a bill. And his favorite quip: "you've changed." Um, no, I haven't. I just have to adapt myself to my circumstances because I never know what I'm going to come home to. It became so exhausting for me, that I would spend hours at my job, after I'd clocked out, because those were the people I could count on. Those were the people who were there for me, who cared about and loved me, who never wanted to see me down. In the end, it broke us. I cannot, and will not, deal with someone so emotionally closed off that they can't have a simple conversation about why they're upset. And I liked to think that I fought the good fight. I gave it my all, right up until the very end, because I wanted to be that for him. I wanted to be the one that could make him happy when he had a bad day. Sometimes it worked. But it was never enough. I'm writing this to you because I want you to know you're not alone. And it's not you. He's been like this for a long time now; it's like as soon as he lets you in and becomes comfortable enough, you pay a price. I think you just have to decide if it's too high. For your sake, I hope that it's not. You know where to find me if you want to talk about it. If not, I simply hope that this letter makes you feel a little less alone and a little bit more like you're still the wonderful person you always were.

"My mother used to say, 'Life is all about choices.' And it is. It really is."

I'm in a rut. Let's just get that out of the way right now. My days are exactly the same, every one of them. I wake up; I have an exact ratio of coffee creamer and half and half that I add to my coffee. I sit in front of my computer, check out the latest deals on all of my favorite shopping websites, and then check my email, and the news. Depending on where Sam is, I'll give her a call and see how she's doing/what her plans are for the day. Then I'll take a quick shower, get dressed, grab some lunch, and I'm off to work. When I get home from work, which is between 9 and 9:30 most nights, I watch one of five shows, depending on the day. I head to bed around midnight, watch Will and Grace and Frasier while falling asleep, then wake up and do it all over again. I feel like I have a minor case of Groundhog day every morning. I'm not complaining, I don't think; just making an observation. I know it's in me to love habit; I like feeling safe, I like knowing what's coming next, and I really, really hate change. But then I do think that I've dealt with a lot of change over the last couple of years, and I think I've handled it quite gracefully.

I think I'm just ready for something new. A new job, a new routine, something to get me excited, even if only for a little while. I have a lot of things to get done today, and on the top of that list is applying for jobs. I could certainly stand to think about my schooling options, though I'm not rushing myself. I'd love to meet someone who can maintain my interest for longer than 30 seconds, but I would settle for simply meeting someone who makes my heart beat a little faster. I'd love to have a place of my own, to decorate the way I want, to do the things I want. It's really very simple. I just need a change. And it's all in me. I'm always the one to put things off until tomorrow, or somehow think that a job will land in my lap by doing nothing. I don't push for the things I really want, lately, I think, because I haven't known what those things were. I want to be near my family though, and I can't stay here with my father forever, regardless of how much we all know he needs me. So if I want to survive here, and be around for the next 20 or 30 years with all of them, then I need to get my ass in gear and try to find some steady employment.

So today is the day. I've also got to clean my car, pick up some groceries, bring some old clothes to the SA, have a pair of my pants hemmed, and send out a handful of cards all before work at three. Let's see how much I can accomplish on this beautiful day. READY? GO!

Someday you'll wish you were a better man.

Okay. Do I come across as whore-ish to all of you? Apparently some men in close proximity to me think so. Which is the irony to end all ironies because...drumroll please... I've only slept with two people. In my seven years of sexual freedom, I have had two different partners; one of which I dated for six and a half of those years. Give me a break. I don't know if it's something in the water here or if all men are this way, but if I smile at you occasionally or tell you to have a good night after work, it does NOT mean I want to fuck you. If I wanted to, you'd know it. So hop down off of your high horse, and find some girl who doesn't give a shit if you talk about her like that.

I'm probably not done ranting about this but I'll try to keep it to a minimum. And I know that I'm probably not being entirely honest with myself here; I KNOW that I've said some things in coversations with my girlfriends before that were certainly less than PC in regards to men. But my comments are never sexually agressive, or degrading, and usually sound something like, "Mm. That is a juicy looking ass" or "Man, was he yummy." Nothing at all like, "She looks like someone I'd take home and fuck the shit out of." I guess I just need to be more careful about who I'm showing kindness to these days. I'm sort of floundering with how I feel about men lately anyway; Seif was exactly what I needed, I suppose, and yet I wonder if that's how it will always go for me. One night, here and there, to get me through, and that's it. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I wanted a relationship with him. Sarah still thinks I've got some time ahead of me for my heart to heal; but I sort of think about it like this: when my knee finally healed, after 2 years of surgeries and physical therapy, the last think I wanted to do was go out there and take it easy. I wanted to run. I guess I'm just getting ahead of myself here, but I think Seif showed me both the good and bad aspects of my situation. I always thought that I had a pretty good head on my shoulders when it came to men, knowing the ones to trust and the ones not to, but that's been shaken these last few weeks and I'm starting to wonder if really, it's all just a game. They pretend to be kind and sweet, and then, once they get what they want, interest wanes. Then again, as Sarah and I talked about, if he's the guy for you, interest shouldn't be gone just because you sleep with him.

This is why I don't have a boyfriend. It's entirely too exhausting. I can barely handle myself most of the time. How will I ever handle the everyday needs of another? Marilyn Monroe said something a long time ago that has always stuck with me, and I feel like it should be the title in this particular chapter of my life. It goes something like, "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Thanks, MM. You really said it there.

Alright, shower, work with Mary (eek!), then lunch with Garrett and hanging out with Jules. Be careful out there, ladies. Don't be innocently smiling at too many strangers today. They might think you want to sleep with them.

I don't blame you for my mother leaving. She left us both.

There it is. The (somewhat) bad idea that came from drinking an entire bottle of wine while waiting for Julia to be done with Prom. It's just a small, classy stud, perfect for me, and I do love it. My one caveat is that because I can't feel it, I keep forgetting it's there. Last night I was tickling Jack and he knocked his head against my nose. EXTREME pain for about ten seconds; my eyes teared up and Gav thought I was crying. When I wash my face, I always drag the washcloth against it, and when I get stressed, I still pinch the bridge of my nose. Normally, I would be happy by how un-obnoxious it actually is, but I seem to cause myself more pain because of it. Oh well. Everything takes some time getting used to.

I think my first summer road trip will be officially planned today. Sarah's birthday is June 10th, so she wants me to come down for the 12th and 13th. I really want to; I have some money saved so I could do some real shopping, and I know that there might not be many opportunities in our future for us to spend some time together. I've never seen her apartment, or how her life is down there, so I'd like to. The only problem is that Sam and I had wanted to get our tattoos done on the 13th; it's the exact halfway point between our birthdays. But I just talked to her, and I think we might push it back to the 27th when I'll be changing my nose ring. June is shaping up to be my most exciting month of the year!

My life has been blissfully uneventful lately, which is just how I like it. I'm a creature of habit and routine, so I like how things have been going lately. Of course, there are some things I could be trying to accomplish (aka finishing school) and maybe I'll look into it a bit more as the year moves forward. I might have another job opportunity presenting itself after January of next year, though, so I'm a bit hesitant to do too much right now if I'll be doing something different in 8 months anyway. I guess we'll see.

I was thinking the other day about where I was at exactly this point last year. I don't really want to talk about it, because it does bring back so many bad feelings for me, but we'll just say I was on the Cape with Ben and things were very different. I remember feeling suffocated, like I couldn't see past him and us and our relationship. When I was spending time with Mom on Saturday I admitted to her that I think the first part of our lives began very much the same; she had me at the age I am now and was certainly stuck. She married her Ben. My dad is very different now, but back then, his personality was very much like how Ben's is now. The only difference in our paths is that she committed and I walked away. Just that slight change between us, I think, has made us who we are. I'm still very angry at her for how things happened, and I don't condone them at all. But I think that I can see things a bit clearer now. How would I feel if I woke up at 46, married to Ben, with two grown kids and a life I wasn't sure I wanted? I'll never have to know. And thank GOD for that. You never like to think about your parents as young, or as people who make mistakes. I know that she loved my father, but love is a tricky thing. I'm just thankful that I have a second chance at the life she never got to live.

So. I think I'm done here for the day. Too much reflection can be a bit unhealthy, I think. Time for coffee and reading, and maybe a walk with the dog before work.

An anectdote before I leave, though: last night while we were at Joe and Jess's for dinner, Gav asked me to peel him a lemon so he could eat it. He LOVES fruit; I always joke around with him that one day he's going to turn into a strawberry, which he takes all too seriously at the age of four. So he's eating the lemon, and his face is all twisted up in the funniest expression because it's so sour. So I say, "Gav... if it's so sour, why do you eat it??" And he looks at me, dead serious and says, "Because it makes you laugh!" I made him give me a hug after that and he ran off to raise hell with his brother. Man, I love those kids to pieces.

I'm feeling pretty good, all things considered. First: I've had a terrible, albeit tolerable, case of strep throat since about Friday. It's not the worst I've ever had, and if you know me, you know that strep is my arch nemesis. The only thing that makes this one different, and in my opinion a bit more annoying, is that sometime last night my left ear became plugged and has refused to pop since then. This morning it had me worried quite a bit, as I've never gone that long without being able to get pop them on my own, through swallowing or yawning and such. So I googled it. Turns out, often times when you have a bad sore throat and your glands swell up, it pinches something in your ear (since they're all so conveniently attached) and that causes the ear to feel as though you've just stepped off an airplane. I think this must be what's going on, because the ear that hurts is on the same side as my most swollen gland. Anyway, I woke up this morning and my fever seems to have broken, so I'm hoping that by the end of the day today/sometime tomorrow this nasty ear business will have gone away. It doesn't hurt, but it's about an 11 on a scale of most-annoying-things-in-the-world. I'm kind of thankful that I've got to work a 12 hour shift today; I'm hoping it will take my mind off of it. Sitting here, it's all I can do not to try and pop it ever other minute. Ridiculous.

Other than that, this weekend was pretty uneventful. Oh, except for Mom and I got a little tipsy waiting for Jules to get home from the Prom, so we got our noses pierced. Which sounds extreme, but it could have been worse. We wanted tattoos but the artists had already gone home, so we settled for the nose piercings. So far, I've definitely grown to love mine. Which is good, since it's got to stay in constantly for six weeks so the hole doesn't close, and then an additional recommended year after that. Oh the things they don't tell you before you do stupid shit like this. Anyway, it's just this small, classy stud, but I am excited to check out my other options in a couple weeks when I go back to change it out. Sam and I have a date for our second tattoos on the 13th of June, and then I'll be able to get this changed on the 27th. Maybe they'll invite me to live with them in their biker/tattoo world. I am that cool.

Other than that, not a lot going on. This week is a bit of a cake walk compared to these last three; I actually have an entire day to myself on Thursday. I haven't had an entire day off from work since my birthday so I'm definitely looking forward to it. I need to do some Spring cleaning in a big way. I've got a couple of new goals I'm going to try and accomplish this week and in the one's following so if everyone can help out with those I would greatly appreciate it. Firstly: stop buying meals at the mall. They're expensive and not even close to nutritionally balanced. They make me tired, and angry, because at the end of two weeks I wonder where all of my money has gone and discover I've spent around a hundred bucks on curly fries. NOT economical. This goal does not, of course, include coffee from Dunkin', which I will never tell myself I cannot have. I've already cut back on that considerably since the introduction of the Keurig into my life. If you're a coffee lover and you're mostly lazy (hello, me) then it's pretty much the best invention in the world. Costly at first, but definitely pays for itself in convenience. Makes a good cup of coffee too. My other goal for the week is to start reading again; I've had to put it off lately because I've been so, so busy. By the time I get home at night, all I want to do is relax and head to bed. Mrs. McKinley, my English teacher from high school, let me borrow a book of hers and is anxiously awaiting my return of it, with, she hopes, notes in the margins. I could never deface a book in that way (I got in trouble once in college for refusing to do so) but I told her I'd leave sticky notes throughout. Compromise, it's all about compromise.

I suppose I should go shower now and do something useful with my time. It always depresses me a little when it's beautiful outside, as it is now, and I realize that 12 hours from this very moment I will still be stuck inside. Blech. At least work tonight is with Bettina. She's a healthy dose of entertainment I could certainly use in my life right now. Everyone else: please pray that my stupid ear pops. It's driving me insane. I know. Short trip. You're all very funny.

WANTED:

An honest, hard-working, impossibly good-looking man. Preferably sweet, humble, self-aware, independent, well-read, and somewhat romantic. I accept all ethnicities and backgrounds, but assholes need not apply. If you're good with crazy families you'll fit right in, if you're a hermit, you're no good here. The ability to follow social norms and drink large amounts of tequila will definitely get my attention. The way to my heart really is through my stomach. MUST HAVE: a sense of humor, kind eyes, and a good heart. MUST LOVE: my wit, my banter, my annoying habits, my smoking (trying to quit), my family, my breath in the morning and my complete inability to keep my clothes on after three glasses of wine. MUST ENJOY: singing and dancing in public, and any general ridiculousness that will cause embarassment.

If you fit this description, come and find me. If you're God waiting to laugh at me and tell me he doesn't exist, save it. I'm still waiting for my white horse.

WIsh List

Not a lot of time on my hands to post, but I've been drooling over this camera on QVC for a few weeks now and I just need to put it out there and see what everyone thinks. The facts: it appears to be an easy-to-use digital SLR camera, it comes with two different lenses for both close and far range shoot-ability (I know it's probably not a word, work with me), software to screw around with pictures, and 5 monthly payments, interest free of $160. Now, you're probably wondering what my other expenses are. Truthfully, I don't really have that many. If I did buy it, it would mean many less nightly shopping trips to Walmart, since I seem to average about $50 every time we go there. And we go there A LOT. I haven't really bought a lot of clothes lately, there doesn't seem to be a need since I'm at work pretty much every second of my life and we have clothing "standards" there. Now, as to why I want it. The kids are getting older every day, every second, and I feel like I just don't recognize that enough. Jess and Sam do a pretty good job of keeping things documented, but they've both got simpler, standard digital cameras. Our family reunion is this summer, and I'd love to capture all of those hilarious, and most often embarassing, moments. Even our weekly parties here, or if we do stick with game nights, I want to be able to look back at pictures and remember all the fun we had. So. Check it out. Here's the link: http://www.qvc.com/qic/qvcapp.aspx/view.2/app.detail/params.cm_scid.WISH.item.E06032

I have to go to work now. I have a fever and my throat is sore. Bleh. At least Garrett and I have a lunch date after I'm done. Then I see myself coming home, crawling into bed with my new Elizabeth Edwards memoir and wasting away the day. Who's with me?

Too honest for words.

If you don't want to know then stop reading. I think sometimes, or even the majority of the time, I try to displace the seriousness in situations by trying to be funny. Or cracking a joke. Or by simply using tried and true avoidance tactics. Don't get me wrong, this weekend was exactly what I needed. A metaphorical "getting back on the horse", if you will. But I think it also made me realize how lonely I really am. And I don't really think there's anything wrong with that, and no, I don't want to talk about it. I'm still trying to figure out what I really want in someone, if I want someone at all. I used to be the girl who read poetry, and love stories, and looked for the romance in it all. Now I'm the girl who can't remember the last time I felt... whole. The way you feel when you're really with the person you're supposed to be with. I hold back maybe more than I should, and then in the next second think that I put too much of myself out there. I've got this dichotomy going on that I can't figure out, it's darkness for miles, and I am a little bit scared that I won't ever find someone who's my equal. But I'm human, and I know I'm not the only person out there who wonders if they'll always be alone. It could be so much worse. I could still be waking up every morning, trying to pretend to be someone I wasn't, for a person I didn't really love. At the end of the day, I'm me. Tonight, I'm sad. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't waiting for my white horse. Perhaps in my dreams.

Please, please don't leave me.

Wow. Four days off from writing it probably NOT the best testament to my personality. Especially considering G and I were debating our ability to commit, or lack there of, just yesterday. I had a lovely weekend, again I'll say that if I know and love you you already know the details so I don't have to put them out in the world on here. I'm definitely sad that Sarah is gone, mostly for good now, since Dirck has gone with her and will be living there. I am SUPER happy that she seems to have found her match in him, though, and wish them both the best. The selfish part of me just wants to skip out on all of my responsibilities here and go play house with them for awhile. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and a job in Saratoga will land in my lap. Can't test fate, you know.

I'm feeling a bit weird today which I think is due to several things: 1) I came back and took a nap today after FF, and I hate, hate, hate sleeping during the day. It always makes me groggy. 2) I haven't seen the boys in a week or so, and let's face it, they're my sunshine and happiness. And 3) Sarah left, and I just can't fight this feeling that I'm about to fall back into whatever rut I've been living in for the last six months. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy with my life right now. But I always feel as though I take two steps forward and three steps back, so I'm constantly behind. I want a good job that challenges me and pays well, a lovely little apartment, and a partner to share it all with. I guess I'm not that afraid of commitment, after all.

Today is a long day, and I already want it to be over with. Next week will be a cake-walk compared to the last three; I actually get an entire day off. Seif, where are you on that one? You move, and I finally have some free time. God plays silly little games. Jess came up with a very interesting idea last weekend, as we all sat around the table playing Battle of the Sexes. She thinks, and I strongly agree, that we should institute Friday game nights, where we all pitch in, bring a couple of packs of beer and some food, and hang out all night laughing and trying to figure out the inner goings-on of the male mind. This Friday works out perfectly for me; my best friend is gone and I only work until 4. Count me in.

I did have a bit of an epiphany about my tattoo, which I suppose is great, since it's almost exactly a month away. I always knew the quote I wanted, and I still think I want it on the left part of my ribcage, but now I think there will be an addition to tie it all together a bit. The quote is e.e. cumming's "and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart-i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)" so I'm thinking I'm going to add a star for each one of my family members that are so important to me right now. I'm still toying with the idea of a weeping willow tree, so feel free to send out opinions and such. I'd love to hear them. I might not agree with them, I'll probably hate them, but I'll hear them. :) Unfortunately, there is another quote of his that I've been considering as well, not as a replacement for the other one, but as an idea for tattoo number tres: "and if I sing, you are my voice." Another tribute to my family. Perhaps on my hip? Back of my neck? I obviously have the personality of an addict.

On that note, I'm off to either scrounge up some food or talk Sam into going out to lunch with me. Then work alllll night long. Obviously, I'm excited about that. Thank God I close with Bettina. I love her and her pregnant bitchiness. It keeps me going.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that most men suck. I've certainly had my round of them, as have most of the other people in my life. It seems as though the only good ones left are the ones who are related to me. I guess I should thank God for that, at least. Sometimes, though, I think they make it harder. They make it seem like I'll end up having to settle for something less than I deserve, less than extraordinary. I'm not holding my breath.

Not every man is unable to commit/tell the truth/be faithful; I know that. Lately, though, I'm losing faith. It appears as though Ashlee and Joey are done (again) due to his immaturity level and her not really loving someone who is, quite obviously, not good enough for her. She deserves more. I'm still on the fence about Sam and Jon because of everything he's pulled in the past, everything he still says and does that makes me want to run him over with my car. I can't help but think perhaps all of us have hopes that are a bit too large for this small town.

But then I stop and think that I don't want to be cynical about love. My life is beautiful; I have no regrets. This is the happiest I've been in years, and it's just me, all alone, in my perfect little world. I love who I am, who I've become, and the knowledge that I can change that from day to day, however I see fit. I've got lots of different personalities that I like to try on for size, some fit me like a glove while others fit like last night's too-big t-shirt. Either way, it's me. It's us. Against the world.

I'll write more later. Right now, it's time to drink, smoke, and take care of the people I love. All in a day's work.

One night while the whole world was turning, I left you a note...

I know you don't read this which means it doesn't matter what I say. But I need to vent, and I can't stand to talk to you, so this is the best I can do right now. I hate you. I think I have for a long time. And I know that you hate me too. Maybe not in the deepest, most real sense of the word, but we haven't been about love for a long time. I was always afraid to tell you all the stuff I felt; it's funny, because words are sort of my thing. But I'm sitting here, and I'm thinking about everything, my whole life, and you're my least favorite part. I won't say that I wish I hadn't met you because if not, I wouldn't have met all the wonderful people you introduced me too. And I wouldn't have fallen in love for the first time. It's not regret that I'm filled with, but an ache; because I lost the person who knew me best in the world. Because I lost my best friend. And because I truly don't think I've mourned that loss until this very moment. So I've got to get this out of me, this anger and hurt, because if I don't it will consume me forever and I will never be able to look at anyone the way that I looked at you.

I wish that I'd left sooner. I wish that I hadn't let you get away with so many horrible, awful, unspeakable things. I wish that I'd been stronger, or that I could've seen how everything would've played out. I wish that you hadn't had this sort of magical power over me, this way about you that could make me change my mind and see the world in a whole new light. I wish that you'd said you were sorry more than a handful of times in 6 years. I wish that I'd listened to my father. Most of all I wish you hadn't loved me. I know you did; and I think even for a little bit it was real. But most of the time, it was the wrong kind. I deserved better.

I hate you. I'm sorry, but I do. They're right when they say there's a fine line next to love. You jumped that one a long time ago. All I ever wanted to know was why. I don't think you can answer that even now, even when we haven't spoken for so long. I miss your voice. And the touch of our hand. I hate you for those things too. I don't want you back. I don't ever want to see you again. But I hate you for doing the things you did, for treating me like no one deserves to be treated.

I'm sorry for everything. For not learning how to cook, or how to enjoy cleaning, or how to not be clumsy when I drink. I'm sorry that I never saw myself the way that I really was. I'm sorry that I loved you as much as I thought I did. As I really did.

I'd take it all back if I could; the fighting and the anger. But I can't. So please just let me be happy. Let me forget about everything, about you, and the years that I wasted. Let me be sixteen again, meeting a boy who seems impossibly perfect for me, and let me turn around and walk away. I'm sorry if I hurt you too. I never meant to. I just... I can't see you anymore, you're fading, and it needs to stay that way. I can't remember what you smell like, or what shade of blue your eyes are when it rains. I need to forget the good, and let go of the bad, so that I can find the person who really is meant to know me best. So that I can get one God damn night of sleep without you interrupting my dreams. I'm tired.

I know this doesn't make sense. I guess that's sort of the irony of it all... we didn't really make sense either.

P.S. Guss what? I'm alright. I'm okay.

Pilates + smoking = death

I had so many weird dreams last night that I need to write them down before I forget. I think, actually, that they were all sort of tied together into this really long, twisted one but here are the basics: I went somewhere and left my phone behind, and when I did, I had like 17 missed calls and 16 voicemails. Weird. The only people who ever call me are the people I spend ever day with, which is exactly how I reacted in my dream. So problem number one: I must've been dating Seif, or we were really close, and his best friend died... but in a very freakish sort of accident. While driving over a bridge, it gave out, and his car slammed into the water. Most of the voicemails were from people wanting to let me know before I found out the wrong way, or from Seif himself being upset about it. Okay. Problem number two: one voicemail was from a health "official" at school letting me know that the round of tests they'd recently run on me had not come back well and that we needed to sit down and talk about some options. She never actually tells me what's wrong, but does make it clear that time is of the essence and I need to get my ass there ASAP. Awesome. And problem number three: while I'm trying to deal with Seif and my mystery illness, I get to the last seven or eight voicemails and they're all from Ben telling me he made a mistaken. That he wants me back, he can't sleep, he's coming to find me, blah blah blah. Right. Okay. So. I'm going to try and decipher what I think all of these things mean together, and what my subconcious is trying to tell me through insane dreams. I'll run it by all of you later.

Now that that's done and out of the way, I can post about my day. I don't work until 1, which is lovely, except, as we all knew would happen, I was up bright and early at 8:06. On the one day this week where I can really sleep in. God plays funny, funny games. BUT. As I'm waking up from these dreams, I can hear Dad out in the kitchen talking to someone who sounds very much like my Aunt Kathy (I posted about her a week or so ago, she lives in Saratoga with my Uncle Jose) which would be very weird. Turns out, it WAS my Aunt Kathy!! They had taken a trip down to the city to see their son, Matthew, earlier this weekend, and decided to just take a "quick" day trip here today. They only stayed for about fifteen minutes, but I love them both so much, I feel like I've got my fix until our reunion in July. That paired with this delicious new coffee creamer I've discovered has already made my day a little brighter.

In other news, while I was out Mother's Day shopping this weekend, I noticed this amazing, beautiful, perfect-for-Danielle watch at Belden's. The only real problem was the price tag: $475. Truthfully, that problem would've only kept me away from it for probably a few weeks. But I was cruising the net last night to keep boredom at bay, and I found it on Amazon... for half price! Which I'm going to take as a sign from God that it's supposed to be mine. I haven't yet decided what my other "summer" purchases are, I just know that, like M, and everyone else, I have certain downfalls. Jewelry is one of them. Sephora is another.

We went to our Pilates class on Saturday morning which I can only describe to you as 45 minutes of pure hell. We were definitely the youngest three girls there, though not the most out of shape, and we had a hard time. My body still hurts this morning, but yesterday was the worst. At least I know it's working when I can't even cough for the pain of it all. Christ. 23 and past my prime is not really what I was going for. Amazingly, I didn't smoke at all yesterday (ran out of cigarettes, smoked a million the night before, and too cheap to buy more) in the car or otherwise, so I think I'm going to try and make it through today. Even talking about one now makes me want one. Bah. I'll have to buy a pound of gum before I head to work. I can do it, I can do it. Repeat.

So now I'm going to drink as many cups of coffee as I can before I get the jitters, shop a bit for last minute gifts, and continue to read my book. It's sunny outside and I'm happy. I can't ask for much more than that. Have a great day, everyone.

Tell me why the first to ask is the last to give every time? What you say and do not mean follows you close behind.

Okay. Again, I don't really have time to be posting because I've procrastinated and done a million other unnecessary things when I should have been getting ready for work. Today is day one of the two 12-hour shifts I'm going to suffer through, but, on a lighter note, my state tax return went to my mother's and will be arriving avec my sister sometime this afternoon. What shall I do with all that money?? :) We went to Fitness Fusion this morning, of course, and I believe we're going to go to whatever class is being offered tomorrow morning at 7:30; I have no idea what it is or how I'll feel about getting up at 7:30 on a Saturday, but I'll let ya'll know. I might be heading to Potsdam this evening, though I haven't decided on that yet either. Lately, I feel like I'm being pulled in a million directions. Between the two jobs, this fitness challange, and trying to spend time with everyone I love, I feel as though I never have a moment to take a step back and just breathe. I'm not suffocating, I'm just... short of breath, I guess you could say. But I love the people in my life and I would never want to neglect any of them, so I'm working through it.

I'm considering buying myself a new camera with a bit of my tax return money; I had a digital one years ago when they first came out, but it broke a couple of years later and I never replaced it. I think that if I had one, though, I would take a lot of pictures; especially with the boys being at such great ages. Gav had his first t-ball game last night, and I guess pictures are being taken tomorrow. He wanted #4, but they didn't have it, so he got #3 instead which he was not too happy about. I told Jess that I would've told them to take their #3 and shove it, but I guess that's why I'm not a mother. THANK GOD.

Anyway, I'm going to be at work until 9 tonight with Sam and we'll probably force Julia to run errands for us and bring us coffee. I secretly think she enjoys it, but she'll tell you differently. Tomorrow is the exact same day as today, including shifts, except that after work I think Sam and I are going to crash Bettina's wedding celebration at Coach's. They're either getting a band or a DJ and I've got three free drink tokens burning a hole in my pocket. Sounds like the perfect ending to a very long, stressful week.

But hey. At least I've got diamonds on the inside, right, Mr. Harper?