Too honest for words.

If you don't want to know then stop reading. I think sometimes, or even the majority of the time, I try to displace the seriousness in situations by trying to be funny. Or cracking a joke. Or by simply using tried and true avoidance tactics. Don't get me wrong, this weekend was exactly what I needed. A metaphorical "getting back on the horse", if you will. But I think it also made me realize how lonely I really am. And I don't really think there's anything wrong with that, and no, I don't want to talk about it. I'm still trying to figure out what I really want in someone, if I want someone at all. I used to be the girl who read poetry, and love stories, and looked for the romance in it all. Now I'm the girl who can't remember the last time I felt... whole. The way you feel when you're really with the person you're supposed to be with. I hold back maybe more than I should, and then in the next second think that I put too much of myself out there. I've got this dichotomy going on that I can't figure out, it's darkness for miles, and I am a little bit scared that I won't ever find someone who's my equal. But I'm human, and I know I'm not the only person out there who wonders if they'll always be alone. It could be so much worse. I could still be waking up every morning, trying to pretend to be someone I wasn't, for a person I didn't really love. At the end of the day, I'm me. Tonight, I'm sad. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't waiting for my white horse. Perhaps in my dreams.