This is a big world, that was a small town there in my review mirror disappearing now. And it's too late for you and your white horse to catch me now.

Stupid, stupid rut. Okay. Today I'm officially sending out my resume and application to two different clerical jobs at SLU. That makes me feel better in a big way, just because it means I've done something to get ahead. In the back of my mind, of course, I'm wondering why I'm doing something that I don't want to spend my whole life at, but I know that I can't keep on doing what I have been; putting my head in the sand and pretending like I'm alright with it all. I need a bit more of a challenge, a bit more stimulation and excitement when I get up in the morning. So everyone, please send out good job vibes for me. I can use all the support I can get. It would rock if Sam could get in there too, so I'm going to try and help her work on her resume and letter of interest sometime tonight. I know it's asking a lot for us both to get better jobs and at the same place, but it would just be so damn perfect. We could ride together. We could go to the gym together. We could meet rich university men and date them, quite inappropriately, together. If I can't get a better job around here, I'm going to have to move. Which would not be the worst thing in the world, I could stand to be out there in real life for awhile. Things are just so easy here; I see the same people every day, hang out at all the same bars with all the same crowds. No wonder people get stuck. It's built into the atmosphere around here. Either that or it's something in the water.

Sarah thinks she and Dirck will be moving to Rochester sometime in August as he just got a new job there. I love Rochester. I know it well from my time spent there while Ben was at RIT and yet it is a little bit nostalgic for me. Rochester was when Ben and I were still good. We still loved each other so much that we thought the world didn't matter; we had many late night conversations about running away, eloping, and living on what I could sell as a writer and he could make doing construction. Oh, how things change. It is, of course, bittersweet, because we obviously couldn't ignore the world forever. It caved in on us, suffocated us, until we were forced to be realistic. And I think reality is what killed it for us. But I do think that making a life for myself in Rochester, with Sarah and Dirck, could change all of that for me. It's hard sometimes because I do think that everywhere I go in this world, something will remind me of him. I have a running list of all these things that I hate BECAUSE they remind me of him. Crazy, irrational things, like the Cape Cod potato chips that I won't let anyone in my family buy. Or anything with a lighthouse on it. Someday I'll write down the whole list, but it's not short, and it IS obnoxious. I think it comes with the territory when you're with someone for so long, because the list of memories is so exhaustive. It covers so much ground, so much time, that it will take a long time before I don't remember any of it. As I've said, though, I remember it in a bittersweet sort of way. Because it was so lovely while we had it, and because I'm so happy the difficult times are over. I'm in a great place, I'm ready to start fresh and do what I want to do with myself. I'm ready to take on the world. So. Here I go. Who's with me?